January 2nd 2012 ~ All Fall Down

 Wow, I didn't think this journey was going to be easy but this one is pretty hard and it's only day 2! Today's meditation is on a threshold I'm having difficulty crossing because I'm not putting "stuff" down to walk through and then picking up what I need on the other side. A very good visual for all of us but I'm not even sure I can even identify what my threshold is and for some reason I really feel there is more than one.

Regardless of what my threshold(s) are, one of the things I carry is ... The Great Wall of Sama ... A wall that has been built for over a decade actually make that two decades which is built on the foundations of pain, hurt, loneliness and ultimately anger.  The wall is there to protect me from getting too close to anyone and in turn anyone getting too close to me, however it doesn't protect me from being hurt.  Holding onto all the hurts I've had in my life, not dealing honestly with how each moment in my life has felt and how it has affected me has definately led me to being on this particular journey. So the only real way for me to "shed my load" so to speak is to be honest about what has led to the wall being built. Maybe once I've done that it really doesn't matter what threshold I'm having trouble crossing as once this load is gone what can really cause me pause?

Like I said, the last two decades, so nothing of note from the primary school years, in fact those years are the ones I look back on with a smile and a regret that they ever ended. Little did I know that my best friend in primary school was going to be the only best friend I would ever have and moving states for high school would be the beginning of a difficult life.

Suffice it to say I hated high school, really hated high school. It was here that I became an expert at building and hiding behind my wall. I'm certain if any of the people I went to high school with were asked if I was a troubled teen or if they thought I was a suicide risk they would all answer no. But in all honesty it's a bloody miracle I survived high school! On the outside I was an average student, on the school magazine committee every year, floated from one social group to the next never really staying with one group for too long but being everyone's friend. I would hold one of the biggest parties every year that everyone was invited to and came to. If Facebook had been around back then I'd probably have hundreds of fb "friends".  In my senior year I was a Captain and started my first serious relationship.  

All sounds pretty normal, except that I had no true friendships, no one to confide in, no one to trust. All attempts in this area were met with betrayal, so I stopped trying. Those days were dark, sad and lonely. I don't know how I "survived". Oh and the first serious relationship, lasted seven years! Seven years of manipulation, undermining, emotional abuse and my most serious exposure to the male artform of gaslighting. Alot went on in those years, I left (many times) always going back, I was the classic abused spouse and this all started when I was just 15years old. Ultimately it took a couple of violent events to give me the strength to act, a knife being thrown at me and a handgun being held to my head. While all this was going on in the home front I was being subjected to the cruel world it is to work with women in the workplace and was being subjected to the subtle manipulation and bullying that comes with it. Had I not been in the home situation I was in maybe I would have been able to cope with work but it all was too much and in a need for a new begginning, I quit my job and moved to Brisbane. 

The Brisbane years were sort of a make up for never being the teenager, one relationship to the next. Never getting too close, never keeping a job for more than a year. All in all nothing really eventful or serious to note except making friends with the most lovely person. I guess you could say I have that girlfriend now but as we now live so far apart and both our lives are extremely busy we never catch up as much as we like or as much as we should. So after my "teen" years I moved back north.

And we're getting close to being caught up, I got a job, met my (now) husband. Changed jobs, got married, got a promotion, moved to Adelaide, got pregnant, moved back to be with family and here we are, baby number 2 arriving any day now.

Don't get me wrong, this is the abridged version and I've not even mentioned my father which would be many a post. I am working through the last 20years bit by bit in detail to be able to break this wall down and discover me but it's a little more work than the few moments I get to myself in this one day. I'll notch today's meditation up to a "work in progress" as I'm sure I will discover a few other home truths about myself that I am yet to realise.

But it's true, people don't like to put anything down to open the door and walk through. We hold onto things so tightly and for too long. What is it that you are holding onto that is stopping you from stepping through? (you don't have to be a messed up as I am)