January 25th 2012 ~ Loving Yourself

This one had the potential to be hard given all the post baby hormones floating around at present.  Regardless of my personal current state of mind it's actually a lot harder than it should be to love yourself. We are so good at building walls to protect ourselves from future hurt that sometimes, we even have the wall up hiding from ourselves.

January 24th 2012 ~ Miracle Thinking

It's completely human to worry, to think through a situation and see all the possible outcomes. But when do we stop considering possibilities and start to worry, about things out of our control? about things which are unlikely?  No matter how hard we try to see the glass as half full we tend to always see it as half 

January 4&5th 2012 ~ Between Peace and Joy

Yesterdays meditation was a simple one, and I have been doing it on and off yesterday and today. The meditation for today is one I'm unable to do at this time as you need to do it with someone, so it will just go on the back burner for a while.

The visualisation given for this meditation was of a dried up sponge, being walked out to see and upon getting moist in the ocean slowly unfolding and deep within a fish which had been sleeping came back to life and swam away. You then imagine the sponge is you heart, and as you are doing the dishes, washing your hair, anything you visualise your heart opening to the situation and finding peace.

 So as I struggle to actually recall what I did yesterday (I am pregnant don't forget) I do know that I actually did the meditation while I was getting my son to sleep, you might say I was so open to peace and joy that I ultimately drifted off myself, this being the main reason for this post being late. Having my 20month old boy quietly snoring curled up in my arms it was easy to have my heart fully open to the situation at hand and then ultimately join him in snooze land.

Today was a busy day, and yet again I opened my heart a few times and receive great peace and joy. We had visitors today, and I would love to be able to say I had my open heart enjoy a cuppa and a chat but I have to admit I was so caught up in the conversation and watching the delight on my son's face of having some playmates that I never even boiled the kettle (bad hostess!). Watching the children play was a pure joy moment, hearing my son giggle with delight and watching him hand over his toys was ... bliss.

Another significant moment today was simply folding laundry (sad but true) but maybe you'll understand when I tell you it was folding little 0000 sized clothes for the baby. Yes, my heart is definately calm between peace and joy waiting to hold my new little child.

And the simple pleasure of being gracious and accepting good will from another, in the past I'm not sure if I would have accepted. I would have insisted on paying or doing something in return, ultimately it always comes around but I was never one to be beholden to another. I asked for some pie, lemon meringue pie to be brought over (I was planning on paying). See I'm kinda stranded at present, no car, not allowed to go anywhere on my own with my son as I am on crutches with this pregnancy. I've learnt to ask a little more if I get the opportunity, good lesson I think. Anyway, not only did I get my pie, I got white choc mud cake too. Can I just say that bubby has a bit of a sweet tooth and the sweets won't be lasting long enough to be shared (much). So as I sat on our bed in the lovely cool air conditioning, with my husband home from work early watching the cricket on tv and our son flitting between being content to sit between us and play with the iPad and jumping all over the bed I ate a very large peace of pie and I once again opened my heart, to the moment, to the joy of eating, to having my family beside me ... to it all. Even my husband commented on how nice it all was (and he wasn't eating pie!).

So from this point forward, I will make a concious effort to remember to open my heart, to visualise it as the sponge in the sea, slowly unfolding and being open to the moment at had and in turn, being open to receive.

What have you opened your heart for lately?

January 3rd 2012 ~ Unlearning Back to God

Today's meditation is about finding that place, that centre, your soul. Regardless of your beliefs each religion has a name for this spot. The place where you are completely open to the ... divine .... universe ....God?

Surprisingly this one was not too difficult to achieve, I guess starting to address everything else has started to open myself to the possibilities of .. me.

So as my son lay curled up in my arms on my bed sleeping for a (way too early) nap this morning, I close my eyes and follow the meditation, I visualise myself as a diver and sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of the ocean and the choppy sea above are all of my troubles being left behind (and yes it was like "the perfect storm" up there), I am in the deepest blue, calm and peaceful.

As I consider the two things I love doing and how each makes me feel alive I am at peace.

My two things are making or more specifically decorating cakes and reading novels. Both are an escape for me, both allow me to be completely in the moment of what I am doing and allow me to completely empty my mind of all things trivial and the not so trivial.

With the cake decorating I am genuinely giving of myself into the cake, my heart and soul goes into the cakes I decorate (which is why I haven't taken that step to make it a business yet) I am a perfectionist and will spend hours planning and visualising before I make the cake. To be honest, if I wasn't days away from delivering my second child I'd probably be thinking about my son's birthday cake already. The moments I spend decorating the cake are peaceful within and consume me. All the effort I go to is to bring joy and happiness into the life of the person the cake is for.

Reading is pure relaxation to me, I miss it. I haven't read much since becoming a mum because taking your eyes of your precious angel is a mistake you tend to make just once. I'm looking forward to reading more as I have received a lovely new toy for my birthday from my family and am busy downloading books to get into while in hospital. Reading is again something that clears my mind, I loose myself in the story. I am the character in the book flying on the dragon, performing great feats of magic, falling in love with the vampire, travelling across middle earth for the sake of all. I loose myself in the words and imagine myself as part of the worlds the author creates. Nothing else intrudes and I am lost to the story.

Two very different passions, decorating cakes and reading yet both allow me to clear the mind, to think of nothing but what is in front of me at that moment. To be "here", "right here, right now". To be able to (for a time) forget the troubles of my life and to be present in the present and this is what I will try to remember.

To be open to the possibilites, you must be present  ... in the present. This is my feeling of being in touch of my soul.

What are the two things that you love doing? That make you feel alive?

January 2nd 2012 ~ All Fall Down

 Wow, I didn't think this journey was going to be easy but this one is pretty hard and it's only day 2! Today's meditation is on a threshold I'm having difficulty crossing because I'm not putting "stuff" down to walk through and then picking up what I need on the other side. A very good visual for all of us but I'm not even sure I can even identify what my threshold is and for some reason I really feel there is more than one.

Regardless of what my threshold(s) are, one of the things I carry is ... The Great Wall of Sama ... A wall that has been built for over a decade actually make that two decades which is built on the foundations of pain, hurt, loneliness and ultimately anger.  The wall is there to protect me from getting too close to anyone and in turn anyone getting too close to me, however it doesn't protect me from being hurt.  Holding onto all the hurts I've had in my life, not dealing honestly with how each moment in my life has felt and how it has affected me has definately led me to being on this particular journey. So the only real way for me to "shed my load" so to speak is to be honest about what has led to the wall being built. Maybe once I've done that it really doesn't matter what threshold I'm having trouble crossing as once this load is gone what can really cause me pause?

Like I said, the last two decades, so nothing of note from the primary school years, in fact those years are the ones I look back on with a smile and a regret that they ever ended. Little did I know that my best friend in primary school was going to be the only best friend I would ever have and moving states for high school would be the beginning of a difficult life.

Suffice it to say I hated high school, really hated high school. It was here that I became an expert at building and hiding behind my wall. I'm certain if any of the people I went to high school with were asked if I was a troubled teen or if they thought I was a suicide risk they would all answer no. But in all honesty it's a bloody miracle I survived high school! On the outside I was an average student, on the school magazine committee every year, floated from one social group to the next never really staying with one group for too long but being everyone's friend. I would hold one of the biggest parties every year that everyone was invited to and came to. If Facebook had been around back then I'd probably have hundreds of fb "friends".  In my senior year I was a Captain and started my first serious relationship.  

All sounds pretty normal, except that I had no true friendships, no one to confide in, no one to trust. All attempts in this area were met with betrayal, so I stopped trying. Those days were dark, sad and lonely. I don't know how I "survived". Oh and the first serious relationship, lasted seven years! Seven years of manipulation, undermining, emotional abuse and my most serious exposure to the male artform of gaslighting. Alot went on in those years, I left (many times) always going back, I was the classic abused spouse and this all started when I was just 15years old. Ultimately it took a couple of violent events to give me the strength to act, a knife being thrown at me and a handgun being held to my head. While all this was going on in the home front I was being subjected to the cruel world it is to work with women in the workplace and was being subjected to the subtle manipulation and bullying that comes with it. Had I not been in the home situation I was in maybe I would have been able to cope with work but it all was too much and in a need for a new begginning, I quit my job and moved to Brisbane. 

The Brisbane years were sort of a make up for never being the teenager, one relationship to the next. Never getting too close, never keeping a job for more than a year. All in all nothing really eventful or serious to note except making friends with the most lovely person. I guess you could say I have that girlfriend now but as we now live so far apart and both our lives are extremely busy we never catch up as much as we like or as much as we should. So after my "teen" years I moved back north.

And we're getting close to being caught up, I got a job, met my (now) husband. Changed jobs, got married, got a promotion, moved to Adelaide, got pregnant, moved back to be with family and here we are, baby number 2 arriving any day now.

Don't get me wrong, this is the abridged version and I've not even mentioned my father which would be many a post. I am working through the last 20years bit by bit in detail to be able to break this wall down and discover me but it's a little more work than the few moments I get to myself in this one day. I'll notch today's meditation up to a "work in progress" as I'm sure I will discover a few other home truths about myself that I am yet to realise.

But it's true, people don't like to put anything down to open the door and walk through. We hold onto things so tightly and for too long. What is it that you are holding onto that is stopping you from stepping through? (you don't have to be a messed up as I am)

January 1st 2012 ~ Precious Human Birth

The rare thing it is to be human, to have a level of consciousness that no other creature has. Today's meditation is to reflect on the creatures around me and to reflect on what I, as human can do that they cannot and in the same line, what can these creatures do that I cannot.  

So I sit and contemplate the other creatures around me and all that is coming to me is that one of the unique parts of being human is our ability to inflict great pain on each other, usually on purpose. Dark I know.

I know I'm supposed to be rejoicing in our ability to choose, our ability to create to invent to have a great impact on everything around us but I keep being drawn to our darkness. How we will hurt each other and how we allow ourselves to be hurt. How we generally each have a competitiveness within us which will see us set ourselves up against one another rather than helping, aiding and genuinely assisting others to succeed regardless of any outcome for ourselves.

I wasn't always so dark but my journey into motherhood has really hit home with how nasty other people can be. Don't be misled, I have encountered some truly nasty people prior to becoming a mother, which I'm sure will be written about at some point. But more recently, in a need to bond with other women who were experiencing the same things as I was as a new mother, I went out and joined a mother's group, I gave so much of myself, I helped organised photo shoots for us all to do a themed calender of our babies, I taught one of the mum's how to prepare puree foods at home and even did a couple of airport trips and I am spent, I am left depleted with not one of these mothers to call my friend. I'm unsure if I would have been better off had I never joined the group. I do know however that I will never join another group again. I'll take the journey alone this time thank you very much. So in this dark space that I am in right now, I see that being human means to be able to choose to hurt other with consciousness.

Having said that then we must be capable of the opposite, of consciously doing good for the good of others. I hope that when I do this meditation next January my first thoughts do not go to the dark and nasty part of the human being but of great, positive wondrous things that sets us apart from all the other creatures in existence.

I hope that you can see those wonderful things. For now, for me, it's the not so nice things of humanity that I see.